You meet someone new (different job, different personality, different circumstances entirely), and somehow, a few months in, you're navigating a familiar dynamic. Not the same person. The same pattern.
We unconsciously replay learned relational roles
Psychologist John Gottman's decades of relationship research (1999) documented specific, repeating interaction patterns (pursue-withdraw, criticize-defend, over-function-under-function) that show up not just in romantic relationships, but across friendships, family dynamics, and professional relationships too. These roles typically get learned early, in the family system you grew up in, long before you chose any of the people you're replaying them with now.
You're not choosing badly, over and over, by coincidence. You're stepping into a role your nervous system already knows how to play, with whoever happens to be available to play the counter-role.
Why "communicate better" only goes so far
Better communication skills help you execute the pattern more politely. They don't remove the underlying pull toward the pattern in the first place, which is why the same dynamic can persist even between two people who are, individually, quite good at talking things through.
What actually changes the pattern
Root-cause subconscious work goes to where the role was first learned and updates it at the source, so you're not just managing the dynamic better, you're not automatically stepping into it anymore.
If this pattern sounds familiar across more than one relationship, book a Discovery Call.
References
Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. Norton.